Pittsburgh 2050: 2010

Over the last few months I’ve been missing.  Well, teaching’s not the only thing that’s been keeping me busy lately; I’ve also been spending some time in the future.  Yes, that’s right, I’ve borrowed Doc Brown’s DeLorean once again to take a trip into Pittsburgh’s future.  But seeing as we’re heading into a new year, I thought I’d let everyone know, in this 2010 edition of Pittsburgh 2050, what they can expect this year.

• The city begins to take public transportation seriously.  After a night of watching Seinfeld reruns, Councilman G_____ proposes a citywide rickshaw service operated entirely by the city’s homeless population.  It doesn’t work out.
• The city begins to seriously consider it’s homeless population. (see above)
• While digging the North Shore connector, workers discover a strange and mysterious box.  When they open it, they find the ashes of Pittsburgh’s pocket book and a kilo of wasted time.
• Pittsburgh residents are thrilled to find out that yet another big Hollywood picture will be filmed in Pittsburgh.  However, they are later disappointed when they learn that it is a Matthew McConaughey movie.
• Ben Roethlisberger grows a mullet.  It is later captured and given a permanent home at the Pittsburgh zoo where it breeds with Jeff Reed’s mustache.
• Due to a scheduling error, the Pirates face a local little league team.  They lose.  Fortunately, no one is in the park to witness it.

Seriously though, it’s going to be a good year.

Pittsburgh 2050: The Transit System

Recently, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon Dr. Emmitt Brown’s fabled Delorean time machine.  After some coaxing, I convinced him to let me take it for a spin, and check out the future.  He was reluctant at first, and said he’d prefer for me to stick to visiting the past, but once I assured him that I would refrain from purchasing any sports almanacs or doing any kind of gambling, he handed me the keys and sent me on my way.  What a nice guy.

Now, I know I’m not supposed to be telling everyone about what the future is like - after all, it could disrupt the time space continuum - but I think all Pittsburghers should know what they’re in for.  Right?

So here it is: the first installment of “Pittsburgh 2050”

Recently, a lot of us have been wondering what Pittsburgh’s transportation future is going to look like.  The North Shore Connector is almost complete, but the city seems far from adopting a comprehensive light rail system.  Well, I’m here to tell you there’s hope!  In August of 2050, the finishing touches will be put on the final portion of tracks running from Lawrenceville to Giraffe Park (Highland Park was renamed in 2035 when a heard of superhuman giraffes escaped from the zoo and demanded a portion of the land be named after them). The city system is surprisingly complex and consists of over 300 miles of track.  Some argued that creating stops at every other block within the city limits was excessive, but due to the unusually high rates of morbid obesity across the country which have been most likely caused by the 25^th generation iPhone, a device that now performs most daily tasks for an individual, the frequent stops are all too necessary.  Unfortunately, as a result, it now takes an hour and a half to get from Heinz Hall to the convention center.  The Port Authority is considering reducing the number of stops once the 26^th generation iPhone is released, which Steve Jobs, who recently reemerged from his cryogenic freezer, promises will perform hours of exercise for the individual, all while looking fabulous.

The last PAT bus made it’s final run in 2040, and has been added to the transportation museum, where visitors now recall the good old days of those “quaint little buses.”  A visitor remarked after seeing the bus, “I miss those days.  I miss everything that’s gone.  I like missing things.  I can’t wait to miss the light rail system.  Ahh… It make’s me nostalgic just thinking about it.”

But while the rail system was only fully completed ten years prior, the city council is already making plans to update the transit system since right after it’s completion teleportation technology was developed and implemented in all other major cities across the country rendering the light rail system obsolete.